How to get the most out of couples therapy
For those who are considering couples therapy, below is a short list of things to consider regarding how to get the most benefits out of counseling:
1) Come sooner rather than later. I cannot tell you how many couples I have seen that come to therapy two years too late. What I mean by this is that I am a fervent believer that time is of the essence when it comes to repairing any woundings or ruptures that happen in a relationship. The longer issues go unresolved the more opportunity for resentment and animosity to cement themselves in the dynamic, which almost inevitably manifests in the form of passive aggression, terse/snide comments, and wayyyy too many lonely nights spent trying to avoid the other by sleeping with your backs turned in isolation. Approaching couples therapy with a preventative care mindset well before you even come remotely close to the question of whether or not to break up will serve your relationship for years by helping you learn about yourself and your partner in ways you may never even expect.
2) Leave your egos at the door. The ever so tempting "I'm-right-fight" will never, ever under any circumstances serve your relationship. It is like quicksand to a partnership. It's just two egos verbally duking it out until one person begrudgingly concedes defeat. This inevitably will result in the "loser" of said fight to either 1) feel enfantalized, humiliated, and demoralized or 2) make them feel like they have to win the next "I'm-right-fight" thereby perpetuating the culture of toxicity. Prioritizing the well being of the relationship over your own ego, while extremely difficult, will do wonders for your partnership.
3) Don't force your partner to do therapy. While I know so many of you may be fed up and feel like forcing your partner to go to therapy is the only viable option I would recommend a different approach. Having sat in countless agonizing sessions with couples where one person is almost (quite literally) dragging their partner by the ear into my office I can tell you that this will almost certainly be a waste of everyone's time. I am a very strong opponent of mandated or forced therapy. Just because you may have succeeded in getting the person physically in the therapy office doesn't mean they're really there. You have to give your partner the freedom to make their own choices. Instead, while this isn't a particularly exciting option to many, I suggest making it very clear exactly how important this is to you and how much it would mean to see your partner willing to do the work. If after that they still aren't willing to go make it clear that by not going they are giving you some salient data to believe that the relationship isn't a priority to them. Then ask yourself: why am I in a relationship with someone who isn't willing to prioritize this?
By: Alex Hoeplinger, LMFT, LPC
Alex specializes in couples therapy and trauma treatment (he is an EMDR certified clinician). Alex integrates breath and meditation into his work with clients. He has a knack for creating closure with past events to live connectedly now.
